Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday to a man who adores his family, goes to work everyday to provide for us and is most at home cheering his kids on at their sporting events.  We couldn't ask for a better dad...we love ya!

Waiting to exhale...

Right now, my oldest son is doing well.  And we can only hope that he will remain stable and in a good place.  But I find myself waiting to exhale.  To breathe again.

I can't.  It's so hard.

When the wind has been knocked out of you over and over and over again, you begin to hold your breath instead of exhaling.  What else could possibly happen?  Guarded.  And still all you can do in reality.....is pray.  Pray for the miracle that you beg God to do.  And wait.  Holding your breath.

I try not to let my mind go to the dark places.  The "what-ifs".  But it's really hard.  When I don't talk to him or hear from him daily, I have a tendency to go right there.  There are some days when you take it one day at a time.  Others...the worry is so great it seems to swallow you whole.

But here's the thing....

God never expected us to carry such a burden.  That's why he came down in the form of a little baby.  To save us.  It's what Christmas is all about.  It's why we put presents under the tree.  You see, he's the gift.  He was born to die on the cross for me....and you.   To save us.  To tell us that no matter what is going on in your life right now, there is hope and a promise of a future that is so magnificent we can't even wrap our brains around it.  He holds our hands when we have nothing left to give.

He reminds us to let go...and exhale.

Does that mean that then magically everything goes away?  Nope.  But I wish it did.  But he does give us the hope of a better brighter days.  Where worry is no longer all encompassing.  And things are changed for good.

Today....today, is a good day.  And I'm trying to remember to exhale.

Our force field...

 Because I'm a bit of a softy and don't want them to freeze to death, our two barn cats have come inside for the winter.  Normally, they are pretty good inside, however right now they are driving me absolutely crazy climbing the Christmas tree.  I guess I can't blame them because that's what they do all day long outside.  A tree is a tree to them.

But my ornaments will not survive this year if I don't do something...and quick.  So we brought out the big guns.  Our force field....the vacuum hose.  Which by the way, they are petrified of.  So far it's working.

I hope so.  I'm running out of super glue...and patience.

Christmas tree + barn cat....

= One very confused cat.  

Lindsey Stirling and a quick weekend...

My youngest daughter and I took a quick trip last weekend down to Oklahoma to see our oldest daughter at college.  I say "quick" loosely because 9 hours down there is not quick.  We have to drive through Kansas and ain't nothin' to see on that toll road.  Nothin'.

I roped my daughter into going with me because I also promised both girls I would take them to go and see Lindsey Stirling in concert in Tulsa, which was two more hours away.  That's a whole lot of driving...well, considering she was going to be 2 hours away from our house the next day.  Oh well.  That wasn't really the point though, was it?

Anyway, it was so much fun!  I love to see the girls together.  It's like watching two BFF's get together and squeal and giggle till their hearts content.  I just took a book and listened to them talk in the hotel until the wee hours.  Did my heart good.  And I think it did them some good as well.

The concert was amazing.  Lindsey is so talented and gifted and she uses her platform in such a positive way.  Kudos to her!  Well, we're back now and into the grind of this week.

Catching up...

For me to begin blogging again, it would be best if I caught up what has happened to our family.  Stories going forward will be so confusing if I don't.  So here goes...

I last posted almost two years ago and much has happened since then.  Our oldest son, who is now almost 20, was diagnosed with a mental illness called bipolar as well as he's on the spectrum of autism with aspects of Aspergers.  If you know anything about mental illness, it's real.  It never stops.  And it affects the entire family.  

You do everything in your power to save your child but you battle demons.  Dark, horrible demons you cannot see.  If you don't believe in the devil, go out and fight for someone with a mental illness and you will come face to face with him.  I know I'm going to heaven when I die.....I'm just fighting to keep my child from getting there before me.  

And....it....never....stops.  Ever.  

It ages you in a way I cannot put into words.  There are days you just want to be normal.  But honestly, I don't know what that is anymore.  So you put one foot in front of the other and go forward.  I have spent more time on my knees praying for a miracle that one should be allowed.  I believe with all my heart that God is working here.  

Faith.  

It's what gets us up in the mornings.  And makes us move forward.  You have to believe and know with all your heart that things will change.  For the better.  You must never give up.  Never lose faith.

But in the middle of the dark times, God has given us some laughter as well.  

Our oldest daughter graduated high school and is now a freshman at the University of Oklahoma.  The big OU.  She adores it there.  I'm so very proud of her.  Because of all of the circumstances, she has been forced into the role of the oldest child and takes such good care of her younger siblings.  We miss her something fierce but with FaceTime and texting not a day goes by that we don't talk with her.  She'll be home in a little over a week for Christmas break.  I cannot wait.  She has such a positive energy and joy that just overflows when she's around.  And I think the younger ones need her here too.  So we're counting down the days here.

As for our youngest daughter, I believe she is having the hardest time.  She's lost not only her oldest brother to something she doesn't understand, but also her best friend...her sister to college.  We try to be patient with her, but you still need to gently teach and nurture in the middle of some tough times.  When she resents her older brother for taking my time away from her, I listen.  Her world is different now.  It's no longer normal.  And that is something I completely understand.  So we spend as much time as we can with her doing sometimes the smallest of things.  Watching a movie.  Going to swim meets.  Playing games.  Anything that will show her that we're all still here.  And that we love her no matter what.  

Our smallest little one we have chosen to shelter the most.  He knows nothing of what is going on with his oldest brother.  He's only 8 and it would be unimaginable to give him this burden to bear.  Someday we'll tell him.....but not today.  He needs his childhood.  Legos, wii, football and all.  He doesn't need to grow up any faster than that.  And he's doing just fine.  

So that's it, two years in a nutshell.  For now, we'll just take it one day at a time and enjoy the moments that God gives us along the way.  

Survival mode

It's been a very long time.

I'd almost given up the idea of ever writing on this blog again.  I had placed it on a shelf so to speak and just hunkered down into a type of survival mode.  No one wants to write about the days you just barely get through.  You don't want to remember how hard it was or is, much less put it out there for all the world to see and judge.  So you survive.

But in the midst of that survival, there are still moments that touch our hearts.  Moments that make us smile, make us laugh and make us remember to keep pushing forward.  Forward to brighter days.

So I'm going to start blogging again.  Kind of like journaling for me.  Just me.

I'm not looking to get famous.  Not looking to teach anybody anything.  Cause let's face it....what do I know?  This is just one family's story.  Our story.  This is just our life....