I last posted almost two years ago and much has happened since then. Our oldest son, who is now almost 20, was diagnosed with a mental illness called bipolar as well as he's on the spectrum of autism with aspects of Aspergers. If you know anything about mental illness, it's real. It never stops. And it affects the entire family.
You do everything in your power to save your child but you battle demons. Dark, horrible demons you cannot see. If you don't believe in the devil, go out and fight for someone with a mental illness and you will come face to face with him. I know I'm going to heaven when I die.....I'm just fighting to keep my child from getting there before me.
And....it....never....stops. Ever.
It ages you in a way I cannot put into words. There are days you just want to be normal. But honestly, I don't know what that is anymore. So you put one foot in front of the other and go forward. I have spent more time on my knees praying for a miracle that one should be allowed. I believe with all my heart that God is working here.
Faith.
It's what gets us up in the mornings. And makes us move forward. You have to believe and know with all your heart that things will change. For the better. You must never give up. Never lose faith.
But in the middle of the dark times, God has given us some laughter as well.
Our oldest daughter graduated high school and is now a freshman at the University of Oklahoma. The big OU. She adores it there. I'm so very proud of her. Because of all of the circumstances, she has been forced into the role of the oldest child and takes such good care of her younger siblings. We miss her something fierce but with FaceTime and texting not a day goes by that we don't talk with her. She'll be home in a little over a week for Christmas break. I cannot wait. She has such a positive energy and joy that just overflows when she's around. And I think the younger ones need her here too. So we're counting down the days here.
As for our youngest daughter, I believe she is having the hardest time. She's lost not only her oldest brother to something she doesn't understand, but also her best friend...her sister to college. We try to be patient with her, but you still need to gently teach and nurture in the middle of some tough times. When she resents her older brother for taking my time away from her, I listen. Her world is different now. It's no longer normal. And that is something I completely understand. So we spend as much time as we can with her doing sometimes the smallest of things. Watching a movie. Going to swim meets. Playing games. Anything that will show her that we're all still here. And that we love her no matter what.
Our smallest little one we have chosen to shelter the most. He knows nothing of what is going on with his oldest brother. He's only 8 and it would be unimaginable to give him this burden to bear. Someday we'll tell him.....but not today. He needs his childhood. Legos, wii, football and all. He doesn't need to grow up any faster than that. And he's doing just fine.
So that's it, two years in a nutshell. For now, we'll just take it one day at a time and enjoy the moments that God gives us along the way.
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