The puzzle table...

In winter we bring up an old card table from the basement and off we go with the puzzles.  The girls and I love puzzles.  The boys....not so much.

At Christmas we do our holiday ones and then we bring out the 1000 piece puzzles for the rest of the winter.  It keeps us busy and the nice thing is you can work for a minute or an hour if you want.  Then when you're done....just walk away and come back later.  I love the picture  below where my daughter came in from church and didn't even get changed before she plopped down to work for a minute.

Puzzles, you either love them or hate them.

Merry Christmas...

Here's some photos of this morning's fun.  Our older son did ask to come over to open presents, but then left shortly after.  The rest of us had a great lunch of baked ham and all the fixin's to go with it.  Now, we're just relaxing, watch tv/movies and the girls are figuring out the violin, while our little one is playing with his new robot.

Merry Christmas from our house to yours...

Christmas Eve and a broken heart....

Tonight is Christmas Eve and sometimes things just don't go as planned.  Actually, that's our life.  

Our older son came over and went with us to the Christmas Eve church service.  It was so beautiful and very nice to have the entire family sitting together.  After that we snapped a quick family photo (with the camera placed precariously on a book on top of the lampshade...)

And that's where normal stopped for us.

Just a few hours later he was told to leave the house and I was left crying and worrying for the millionth time.  Remember....this never ends for us.  Ever.

It's hard to have the faith when so little progress seems to be being made.  Or when you take one step forward and 16 steps back.  Again and again hope fades as the light we're chasing gets further and further away.  It never ends.......

But tomorrow is Christmas. And the rest of my family deserves so much more than all of this. They deserve to be happy....we all do.

The Phase 10 showdown...

During this holiday season there's a serious showdown going on.  The Phase 10 showdown.

In our house we are a serious gaming family, but not the electronic kind.  I mean we like to do those as well...although mainly it's our little one that loves those.  But everyone else adores board and card games.  We have a ton of them.  The one that we have been playing over and over right now is the card game Phase 10.  It's so much fun.

The funny story about this game is that one year my Mother gave me this game for Christmas.  She also gave it to my husband the next Christmas, and one of my kids as a present for the Christmas after that.  We laughed about that one.  So all three sat unopened for the longest time....until this holiday season, when we opened one to take to a swim meet a week ago and the showdown begin.

Oh, how I love me a good showdown.

In the wee early hours....

This morning my husband, my oldest daughter and myself were up in the wee hours to do none other than that wretched exercise video called P90X.  Crazy freak of an instructor.

My husband and I have been eating better and losing weight for a few months...okay, well technically he's still losing weight.  Ugh!  That's a guy for you.  Me...I've stalled.  Anyway, I checked out from the library this exercise video series and we all thought we'd start this thing together.  In the wee hours.  Of the morning.  Before you have to then go about your day even though you really can't raise your arms any higher than your waist.  Today.

What....were.....we....thinking!?!

I'll tell you.  We weren't.

Funny thing is that our oldest daughter was happy to join in on the pain.  What college kid does that?!  Oh, how I love that one.  Our youngest daughter is suppose to join tomorrow.  She's NOT a morning person.  We'll see how she does.

Well, this better work.  Weight loss better come fast and furious.  Because if not, there's a piece of cake with my name written all over it.

Yay, she made it home!

I knew she would.  This girl surprises me all the time with her ability to rise to any challenge.  She did great!  Of course, she wasn't even home an hour before she was begging us to all go to see the movie "The Last Jedi" that night.  Didn't help that her sister had joined her in ganging up on us.  Figures...

So with a quick dinner and Grandmom and Granddad watching our little one, we quickly scrambled off to the movie theater.  Our oldest son was able to meet us at the theater and as I looked down the seating at my family all in one spot (well, almost all of them...) I realized how blessed I really am.  This is a moment we were all enjoying together.  It's been a long time since we've had that.  Oh, how I've missed it.  And I can't promise that it will happen again anytime soon.

But for that moment, it felt normal.  And I smiled.

A little piece of my heart is coming home....

This one is finally coming home tomorrow.  It's Christmas break.  This picture is basically the only thing I've been able to see for the past 5 months.  With the exception of a quick Thanksgiving weekend (where she flew to meet us while we visited family) and a couple of weekends ago when we drove down to see her.  That's it.

Don't get me wrong, at least we've had FaceTime.  And I am thankful for that.  But as a momma, it's not the same thing.  This one fills the room with her positive energy and laughing.  She's such a little nerd....and that only makes her that much cuter.  We have missed her so very much.

Tomorrow, she'll be driving for the first time 10 hours all by herself.  It's a good thing we'll be at a swim meet all day with the two little ones.  I'll need the distraction from worrying.  But she's coming home....with all the angels I can pray for.  She's coming home!

Happy Birthday...

Happy Birthday to a man who adores his family, goes to work everyday to provide for us and is most at home cheering his kids on at their sporting events.  We couldn't ask for a better dad...we love ya!

Waiting to exhale...

Right now, my oldest son is doing well.  And we can only hope that he will remain stable and in a good place.  But I find myself waiting to exhale.  To breathe again.

I can't.  It's so hard.

When the wind has been knocked out of you over and over and over again, you begin to hold your breath instead of exhaling.  What else could possibly happen?  Guarded.  And still all you can do in reality.....is pray.  Pray for the miracle that you beg God to do.  And wait.  Holding your breath.

I try not to let my mind go to the dark places.  The "what-ifs".  But it's really hard.  When I don't talk to him or hear from him daily, I have a tendency to go right there.  There are some days when you take it one day at a time.  Others...the worry is so great it seems to swallow you whole.

But here's the thing....

God never expected us to carry such a burden.  That's why he came down in the form of a little baby.  To save us.  It's what Christmas is all about.  It's why we put presents under the tree.  You see, he's the gift.  He was born to die on the cross for me....and you.   To save us.  To tell us that no matter what is going on in your life right now, there is hope and a promise of a future that is so magnificent we can't even wrap our brains around it.  He holds our hands when we have nothing left to give.

He reminds us to let go...and exhale.

Does that mean that then magically everything goes away?  Nope.  But I wish it did.  But he does give us the hope of a better brighter days.  Where worry is no longer all encompassing.  And things are changed for good.

Today....today, is a good day.  And I'm trying to remember to exhale.

Our force field...

 Because I'm a bit of a softy and don't want them to freeze to death, our two barn cats have come inside for the winter.  Normally, they are pretty good inside, however right now they are driving me absolutely crazy climbing the Christmas tree.  I guess I can't blame them because that's what they do all day long outside.  A tree is a tree to them.

But my ornaments will not survive this year if I don't do something...and quick.  So we brought out the big guns.  Our force field....the vacuum hose.  Which by the way, they are petrified of.  So far it's working.

I hope so.  I'm running out of super glue...and patience.

Christmas tree + barn cat....

= One very confused cat.  

Lindsey Stirling and a quick weekend...

My youngest daughter and I took a quick trip last weekend down to Oklahoma to see our oldest daughter at college.  I say "quick" loosely because 9 hours down there is not quick.  We have to drive through Kansas and ain't nothin' to see on that toll road.  Nothin'.

I roped my daughter into going with me because I also promised both girls I would take them to go and see Lindsey Stirling in concert in Tulsa, which was two more hours away.  That's a whole lot of driving...well, considering she was going to be 2 hours away from our house the next day.  Oh well.  That wasn't really the point though, was it?

Anyway, it was so much fun!  I love to see the girls together.  It's like watching two BFF's get together and squeal and giggle till their hearts content.  I just took a book and listened to them talk in the hotel until the wee hours.  Did my heart good.  And I think it did them some good as well.

The concert was amazing.  Lindsey is so talented and gifted and she uses her platform in such a positive way.  Kudos to her!  Well, we're back now and into the grind of this week.

Catching up...

For me to begin blogging again, it would be best if I caught up what has happened to our family.  Stories going forward will be so confusing if I don't.  So here goes...

I last posted almost two years ago and much has happened since then.  Our oldest son, who is now almost 20, was diagnosed with a mental illness called bipolar as well as he's on the spectrum of autism with aspects of Aspergers.  If you know anything about mental illness, it's real.  It never stops.  And it affects the entire family.  

You do everything in your power to save your child but you battle demons.  Dark, horrible demons you cannot see.  If you don't believe in the devil, go out and fight for someone with a mental illness and you will come face to face with him.  I know I'm going to heaven when I die.....I'm just fighting to keep my child from getting there before me.  

And....it....never....stops.  Ever.  

It ages you in a way I cannot put into words.  There are days you just want to be normal.  But honestly, I don't know what that is anymore.  So you put one foot in front of the other and go forward.  I have spent more time on my knees praying for a miracle that one should be allowed.  I believe with all my heart that God is working here.  

Faith.  

It's what gets us up in the mornings.  And makes us move forward.  You have to believe and know with all your heart that things will change.  For the better.  You must never give up.  Never lose faith.

But in the middle of the dark times, God has given us some laughter as well.  

Our oldest daughter graduated high school and is now a freshman at the University of Oklahoma.  The big OU.  She adores it there.  I'm so very proud of her.  Because of all of the circumstances, she has been forced into the role of the oldest child and takes such good care of her younger siblings.  We miss her something fierce but with FaceTime and texting not a day goes by that we don't talk with her.  She'll be home in a little over a week for Christmas break.  I cannot wait.  She has such a positive energy and joy that just overflows when she's around.  And I think the younger ones need her here too.  So we're counting down the days here.

As for our youngest daughter, I believe she is having the hardest time.  She's lost not only her oldest brother to something she doesn't understand, but also her best friend...her sister to college.  We try to be patient with her, but you still need to gently teach and nurture in the middle of some tough times.  When she resents her older brother for taking my time away from her, I listen.  Her world is different now.  It's no longer normal.  And that is something I completely understand.  So we spend as much time as we can with her doing sometimes the smallest of things.  Watching a movie.  Going to swim meets.  Playing games.  Anything that will show her that we're all still here.  And that we love her no matter what.  

Our smallest little one we have chosen to shelter the most.  He knows nothing of what is going on with his oldest brother.  He's only 8 and it would be unimaginable to give him this burden to bear.  Someday we'll tell him.....but not today.  He needs his childhood.  Legos, wii, football and all.  He doesn't need to grow up any faster than that.  And he's doing just fine.  

So that's it, two years in a nutshell.  For now, we'll just take it one day at a time and enjoy the moments that God gives us along the way.  

Survival mode

It's been a very long time.

I'd almost given up the idea of ever writing on this blog again.  I had placed it on a shelf so to speak and just hunkered down into a type of survival mode.  No one wants to write about the days you just barely get through.  You don't want to remember how hard it was or is, much less put it out there for all the world to see and judge.  So you survive.

But in the midst of that survival, there are still moments that touch our hearts.  Moments that make us smile, make us laugh and make us remember to keep pushing forward.  Forward to brighter days.

So I'm going to start blogging again.  Kind of like journaling for me.  Just me.

I'm not looking to get famous.  Not looking to teach anybody anything.  Cause let's face it....what do I know?  This is just one family's story.  Our story.  This is just our life....